Cold
by Lone Wolfette
Summary: Lauren's sick and there's only one thing to do: give the cold to someone else.


**Cold**

**ONE**   
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, afternoon 

Shirley is sitting on the couch, wearing what looks like a surgeon's mask. 

Laverne (comes in)- Hiya, Shirl... (sees the mask) What're ya wearin' on your face? 

Shirley- It's to keep from getting sick. 

Laverne- Com'on, Shirl! It ain't the plague! Lauren's just got a little cold, that's all. 

Shirley- Maybe it's just a little cold, but what are you gonna say when everyone in the building gets sick, but me, huh? You'll be wishin' you had one of these! 

The door opens and Lauren comes in. 

Lauren (nasally)- You girls got'ny tissues? I used all of mine. 

Laverne- I'll getcha a box. (she goes into the bedroom) 

Lauren- Shirl, why're ya wearin' a surgeon's mask? 

Shirley- Because you didn't yell down the dumbwaiter to ask for the tissues. 

Laverne comes out of the bedroom with a box of tissues. 

Laverne (handing Lauren the box)- Here ya go. 

Lauren- Thanks. 

Shirley- Anybody else up there sick yet? 

Laverne- Shirl! (to Lauren) Don't mind her... 

Lauren- Shirl, I can't turn into a hermit because I've got a cold. Besides, I get one every year... I've come to expect 'em. (she leaves) 

Shirley- Maybe I am being a little silly wearin' this stupid thing. (she takes the mask off) 

Laverne- Good for you! 

  
**TWO**   
Lauren & Kristin's apartment 

Lauren comes in with the box of tissues. 

Lauren (to herself)- I hate bein' on quarantine. (she picks up the phone and dials) hi, Carmine, Kristin there? (pause) So how's it goin' stayin' with Carmine? (listens Yeah, I figured you'd rather be stayin' with Squig. It prob'ly woulda worked, but Len said he didn't wanna catch my cold. (listens) Yeah, talk to ya later. Bye. (she hangs up the phone and plops down on the couch) Why is it that when you're sick, ya get bored?... Because no one'll come within ten feet of you... and why... am I talking to myself? That's it, I've lost it. I've totally flipped out... 

There's a knock at the door. 

Lauren- Who is it? 

O.S. Lenny- It's me, who else would it be? 

Lauren (getting up)- Did ya forget I seem to be on quarantine? (she opens the door) 

Lenny- I didn't forget... I just felt bad hat everyone's avoidin' ya. 

Lauren (smiles)- Awe, Len... (sniffs) Oh, sorry, I think that was more so I could breathe. (pause) Ya wanna come in? 

Lenny- Yeah, that was the idea. 

Lauren- Okay, but I'd suggest some type of disinfectant after ya leave. (picks up the box of tissues and looks at the box) Lookit this, Laverne even puts L's on tissue boxes! 

Lenny- If she found a way, she'd get tissues specially made with L's printed on 'em. 

Lauren- I wouldn't doubt it. (goes over to the kitchen counter and picks up a box of cold pills) I hate these things. They say take two every six hours, I take one in a day and I'm in La La Land for the rest of the day. It's no wonder it seems to take forever to get rid of a cold. (puts the box down, goes over, and plops on the couch next to Lenny) You really don't mind me complainin' like this? 

Lenny- Naw, besides, Kristin came up to see Squig so I figured I'd get outta there before they made me sick. 

Lauren- Good idea. (grabs a tissue and sneezes) Huh, same thing might happen here. 

Lenny- Mind if I turn the TV on? 

Lauren- Nah, go ahead. 

Lenny turns the TV on and turns the channel to _Heckle & Jeckle_. {what else?} 

  
**THREE**   
an hour later 

The TV is still on. Lenny's asleep sitting up and Lauren fell asleep with her head on the arm of the couch and her feet on his legs. Lenny wakes up. 

Lenny (looking at Lauren's feet)- I'm a footrest now... yea. (rolls his eyes; he picks her feet up and stands) That was a repeat episode anyway. (he turns the TV off and looks at Lauren) Awe... (leans over and gives her a kiss on the forehead) 

Lauren {who wasn't actually asleep} grabs a handful of Lenny's t-shirt and pulls him into a kiss... 

{That's one way to get over a cold... give it to someone else!} 

Now they're making out on the couch... {uh, did you get the picture that they're now sorta laying on the couch... fans self... whew! It's gettin' hot in here... there! Sorry, I meant there...!} 

  
**FOUR**   
Laverne & Shirley's apartment 

Laverne is watching TV. Shirley comes in from the bedroom. 

Shirley- It's been so quiet today. 

Laverne- Yeah, since Kristin's stayin with Carmine, she asked the boys not to bother Lauren. They prob'ly went to watch the boatraces to cheer on some wrecks. 

Shirley- How lovely... looking at something that's been mangled. 

The door flies open. 

Squiggy (coming in with Krisitn)- Hello! 

Laverne- Good job, Shirl, a made him show up. 

Kristin- Don't worry. We just came to tell ya we're goin' to the movies incase Lauren or Lenny is lookin' for us. 

Shirley- You didn't tell Lenny? 

Squiggy- How can ya tell someone som'en if ya can't find 'em? geez, c'mon, Krissy, let's get goin'. 

Kristin- See ya later, girls. 

They leave. 

Shirley- That's really odd. I wonder where he coulda gone to... 

Laverne- While you're wonderin' I show ya. Follow me. 

They leave. 

  
**FIVE**   
fourth floor 

Shirley- Why're ya dragging me up here? 

Laverne- Cuz I gotta feelin' I know where Len disappeared to. 

Shirley- But it's pretty obvious he's not in his apartment. 

Laverne- I didn't mean there... (she pulls Shirley over to the girls' door) I meant here. 

Shirley- Laverne, you've flipped. Lauren's got a cold, he'd be sick before ya knew it. 

Laverne- Just follow me, huh? (she turns the knob and opens the door) 

They step in Laverne has a smirk on her face and Shirley has a look of shock and starts making that awful squealing noise. 

Laverne (slaps a hand over Shirley's mouth)- Stop it. See, I was never worried. (takes her hand away) 

As it turned out, they were still making out on the couch... except now Lauren had Lenny pinned down. {::grin::} 

Lauren (looks up)- You two hafta stop bargin' in... oh, wait, that's what I always tell Squig... What're ya doin' here? (she stands) 

Laverne- Kristin and Squig went to the movies and they told us they couldn't find Lenny, so... 

Lenny (still laying on teh couch)- They actually noticed I was gone? 

Shirley- I don't believe this! Smut because ya have a cold! (turns to leave) Everyone in this building has smut on the brain except me...! (continues rambling down the hall) 

Laverne- Just keep it to a minimum. See ya later. (she leaves) 

Lauren- I love how calm Laverne was. Shirl just freaked out... An' I don't always have smut on the brain. (looks at Lenny, who's now sitting up) What about you, dare I ask? 

Lenny- Well... (grabs a tissue and sneezes into it) 

Lauren- I'll take that as a no... Sorry. 

  
**SIX**   
Laverne & Shirley's apartment 

The door opens and the girls come in. 

Laverne- Shirl, ya gotta stop over-reacting. 

Shirley- What over-reacting? Don't you know what can happen when a guy and a girl are alone together? 

Laverne (smiling)- Well, yeah, who doesn't... 

Shirley (sternly)- Laverne. 

Laverne (smile fades)- Sorry, Shirl. (pause) You remember the last time Any visited? 

Shirley- Laverne, what does that have to do with anything? 

Laverne- Do ya remember? 

Shirley- Yes, I remember. 

Laverne- Well, you remember how Edna reacted when she found out that Am kissed him? She acted like you did just now, but you and me knew that she'd be okay, so how is this any different? And, I dunno about Amy, but I know definitely that Lauren could beat the daylights outta Len if she really had to. 

Shirely- Yeah, she did seem to think it was his fault and then she blamed us. You're right, Vernie. I did over-react, didn't I? 

Laverne- Yeah, now, if I didn't know Kristin, I'd be worried about Squiggy... 

Shirley- But Kristin has that great right hook in her favor. 

Laverne- She could knock him out in one shot if she had to. 

They start towards the bedroom. 

Shirley- Vernie, you keep saying how if the girls had to, but how do we know that they would? 

Laverne- Just trust me on that one, Shirl... after all, I did see Lauren threaten Len with a whiffle bat. 

They go into the bedroom. 

Shirley- A plastic bat? I guess it's better than a real one. What about Kristin and Squig? 

Laverne- Well, she already likes to play with that hair worm he's got... all she'd hafta do is pul on it. 

Shirley- Oh. 

Laverne- And if all else fails, a plunger works great! 

  


THE END :)~ 


End file.
